Farewell for now, Fr John

We met four months ago, in a party hosted by GAPIMNY, the night of the Queens Gay Parade, where I got invited by my friend, Claudio. In the party, I saw a number of Asians, plus a very young African American baby sleeping soundly in a crib. The hosts who graciously allowed use of their house were a couple of a Filipino and a White guy, who turned out to be lawyers, as I got to learn more about those who were around to attend the party. Claudio was busy with the other guests, so I kept most to myself, except to some interesting fellows I met that night. I soon felt like an outsider, as I realized these fellows are just the same type of fellows I got to meet back in the Philippines.....very condescending in a subtle manner towards others of different upbringing, social class, profession, race, or other inconsequential matters.

Thankfully, I saw Fr John, who I noticed wore that blackshirt with an unmistakeable collar, so I readily inquired if he's priest. He took an instant liking of me, for some unconfirmed reasons. We got to talk about religion, and about spirituality. We soon continued talking, and we exchanged business cards, or could have been phone numbers if I recall it right. I got curious about the church where Fr John serves, the Sts Sergius and Bacchus Parish. I thought I have to attend it so see if this Church will help me serve God's purposes for me.

I soon found myself attending the Church which turned out to be way nearer to my place than St Barts in Park Avenue, in Manhattan where I used to be active in attending its 11am liturgy services. Sta Sergius and Bacchus Parish is much, much smaller, more personal, and more community based church, where I noticed most of the parishioners belong to the large GLBT presence here in NYC. I felt home, and have since then tried to attend its regular 11am services.

Fr John and I soon became more closer to each other, as we shared some intimate, fun moments together. I would always ask him to pray for me, such that he once replied perhaps in exasperation that he always pray for each one of the parishioners of Sts Sergius and Bacchus. I remember being in his apartment during the period when his sister was dying of the ravages of lung cancer, as I tried to assuage him of the painful thought of the impending death of his sister. He was just calm about the whole thing, and was then over with denial stage. I told him, as I soon found myself crying, over my own grief, which I have yet to overcome, over my own Father's death of lung cancer nearly 3 years now. I now realized, Fr John's known me quite better, more deeper, than most people I've met here in the US todate. However, we lost regular contact, as we've followed different groups and interests, and personal circumstances. He's remained in touch with me, though, despite the drift. Actually, he even called me up that week of his death, on Sept 18th, a Tuesday, while I was killing time for my next massage client somewhere in Chinatown/LittleItaly/EastSide vicinity. I was then in the annual San Genarro's festivities on Mulberry Street where I thought of calling Claudio who's also Italian, just like Fr John. I remembered him encouraging me to eat a "canalli" in the said festival; but I never tried, as I found it too sweet for my taste. To be more candid about my state in mind then, I was surprised that Fr John called me, of all people; I never thought it could be his last phone call to me as we were talking a week ago on the phone one cold evening. That Tuesday, I promised to call him up in the following days. Apparently, it was his gentle way of saying "goodbye" to me, as he passed away that Thursday. Goodbye, Fr John; I know you'll be praying for me there in heaven.

Loving Myself Wholeheartedly, Fully, Deeply, Wonderfully

I've just read Bo Sanchez' write up on "loving myself to the fullest, and letting and trusting God to love me"------[ ].....the whole article blew me away. I've tried accessing the link before but I've failed, but for one reason or another, I got in this time. It must have been the laptop, or the other sites that were opened that time.

I cried again on the story about that teacher who made her students list down all the good things about their classmates, and who have since then, kept the listings as personal mementos to remind them of the goodness in them. One of the students, now a soldier who recently died, kept his listing in his pocket wallet. One by one, all the other students who were around during the funeral admitted having kept and valued their mementos of those "good" listing. I've read similar concepts before...I've even heard Oprah Winfrey sermons about it from time to time, in various intonations, with complete visual effects, on her shows. She's even wrote down her preachings about these lessons on loving oneself, before anything good may ever happen.

Yes, I gotta love myself continuously. I gotta always forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made. I gotta give myself space to grow as the person God has been showing, directing me. I remember having told someone about it while we were covering something like an impending death of a dear, loved one who's now badly sick. I could not help but cry.

I gotta love myself more, unconditionally. I gotta set up boundaries, just as to keep away from those things, certain people who unknowingly drain away my abilities to love myself wholeheartedly. I gotta pray as well for St Judas Iscariot who failed to love himself fully, & forgive himself, and went on to commit suicide upon learning the gravity of having been the traitor that eventually led to having Jesus Christ wrongly judged and crucified, in the view of the powers that be in that tumultuous period in Christian history. Peter himself denied Jesus 3 times, and he almost never got over it. But he forgave himself, by the grace of God, and went on to spread the gospel, and even got to be considered as the 1st Pope of the Roman Catholic Church. I gotta be able to experience all the time God's loving presence in me.