B. Scott Ep #151: I'm Ready For Someone Like Me

On Why "We Have a Choice"

I'm reposting here to a note from a friend (Jesrey Parado Valencia) about his thoughts on having a choice, and being responsible for our choices. Yes, "life is deserve" as some other philosophers have said and repeatedly reminded us before. "Life's what you make of it" others admonish us as well. It's in reading, and writing about these timeless precepts that we get lulled out from the comforts of our self-imposed boundaries mainly by choice, slowly without us recognizing the process. Do I have to tell you time and again that life's harsh, difficult? It can be as rough as we can imagine it to be, not even thinking about our circumstances now. After doing so much hard work at the end of the day, we need to get rested and take time to meditate on what's still beautiful in life. Or we can choose to stop for a while and meditate for a minute. The shifting can get demanding for some. But can be worth it. It's when we need to see beyond the ugliness of whatever surrounds us on the surface, and focus our gaze on this very moment. I choose to think I have wonderful life. I choose to live the life I want. I choose to go on loving, and sharing what I've got.

We Have A Choice
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Yesterday at 11:09pm
How many of us is willing to live the life of Prince Siddharta in order to reach “nirvana” or perfect happiness? Are you willing to renounce all your wealth, lifestyle and worldly pleasure, pick up an empty bowl with just your robe and wander yourself to the streets of San Francisco, Tokyo, Paris or even Honolulu? And you would be proclaimed, “Buddha – the enlightened one!” I don’t think so! And the answer would be a resounding “NOoo!”

Well, you don’t have to endure suffering to be happy. It may not be as perfect as what you get in a complete state of nirvana but you can be happy – a lot happier than now.

I am sure a lot of you would agree with me if I say that a lot of us (maybe all of us) have felt shortchanged at least once in their lives or is it an ongoing saga and all you can do is hate and be jealous with the more successful ones? You think that some people have it all and you don’t? It may be simple things such as a bag, belt, shoes and other luxury items to money, a dream job, a fancy car, a lover, sanity or simply a “life”. Well, think again. No man and I tell you No man has it all. There’s that “beast” in us that still craves for more. The insatiable monster inside us eats us from within our deepest core and threatens to destroy us.

In my entire existence ever since I can pinpoint the four corners of this universe, east, west, north… I have always thought and wondered why some have more and some so little if not nothing. Is it fate? Is it eternal damnation for others to live in poverty and for some to just lie on a bed of roses and squander their wealth like there is no tomorrow? First, unlike many fellow Pinoys, I don’t believe in fate who would just wait for anything that comes along and be contented. It’s like waiting and waiting until the bucket full of luck comes rolling by. Well, I am through with that crap. Not anymore anyway. Life is what you make it. It is not served in a silver platter, never been that way! If you want something and been dreaming of it, go get it! But mind you, there is no easy trip. You only get what you put into it.

As far as I am concerned, my career is still a standstill (I would probably never be contented) but I have chosen to be happy. I remember myself one time going out late at night in the streets of Manila and I got to see these poor unfortunate, homeless people. And I definitely felt for them and at the same time, I tried counting my blessings. A little boy wanders towards me and begs for some spare change. I dug into my pocket and found some and gave to him. A big smile broke into his dirty face and with a big “thanks” he left. I realized that I should be the one thanking him and not him thanking me. He just reminded me that I’ve got a lot to be happy about. Although happiness is better felt than said, nonetheless I got to count them from time to time. Among others, I have a happy family, living in perfect harmony; I have two of the loveliest dogs in the whole wide world that give me unconditional love; I have good, sincere and honest friends to hang out with; I can travel wherever and whenever I feel like going to without much worries; I finished my studies and I own a roof over my head in one of the most desired cities in the world; I eat three meals a day (if I wanted to); and best of all God loves me! What more could I ask for? Well, still a lot actually. Like, what I’ve told you, we always want more and strive for higher adventure but that doesn’t mean it’s always bad.

Ambitions, dreams or aspirations are what keep me going. Not much for my selfish end anymore (never been anyway) but more on providing the best education to my family’s new generation thereby seeing their full potential and help a bit to my needy neighbors. I also dream for new technology and inventions that would make our lives even easier and more comfortable to live as a result of people’s never-ending quest for that “good” life. But to that goal, we should learn to smile and still appreciate all the good things around us. The stops we make to help a friend in need – regardless of color religion, ethnicity etc., the traffic that stalls us- going or coming from work, but allows us to listen and sing along our favorite songs, the times the power go out and stop us from watching our most awaited television show and just have that quiet evening with our loved ones and many more.

Today, I choose to be happy and so should you. Sure, life is not perfect but who said it would be? A great thinker once said, “It does not matter how slowly you go, for as long as you do not stop.” And I refuse to stop, really.

Life is good but short. Let’s learn to enjoy it. Hand me that glass of wine honey! Cheers…

Ako'y Sayo at Ika'y Akin (Acoustic cover) - Iaxe [literally: "I'm Yours Alone, and You are Mine Alone"]

It's in Tagalog, as everyone from the Philippines knows something about the song. It's a particularly melodious tone, played acoustic style, with lyrics that describe one's raw affectionate emotions for someone ...for 2 nights in a row, I tried to get to listen to it on YouTube. I remembered the song, after reading a friend's profile. Something was wrong with YouTube last night, but tonight, I got to listen to it, finally, gratefully.

Tears were soon flowing down my eyes. I could just cry, as memories unfolded in my mind, and I freely went along with my emotions showing. I remember my partner who's in the Philippines. I just feel so lonely, just so lonely, now that it's in the low 40s here in NYC; it's just getting colder. I know this is gonna be over soon. I know I'll be better sometime. Thank God!

Disgrace

Disgrace by J.M. Coetzee

My review

This is one of those books I got to read while in transit via the subway to & fro my destinations to my other gigs. I've kept this book for over a year now, and thought, and have confirmed that it's actually very readable (I read it in less than 3 days), even with a lot of distractions while on the subway.

I won't detail down the story, as it's obviously giving away its very structure. But reading this book comes with it different levels of experience. It's got a well delineated story to begin with, interesting characters, and a context that makes one think about the conflicting attitudes of people who have undergone the terrible processes of "colonization" as against that of someone coming from a country that "colonizes," and continuing into the views of those who have "colonized," with whom I tend to share my feelings of empathy as the original country where I come from is the Philippines (the farthest country, being in SouthEast Asia, that used to be part of the great colonized-countries of the empire of Spain). I can just imagine how development directions of the Philippines would have been far progressive if it was not given up by the British when it momentarily took possession as a prize of the Philippines after winning a naval war against Spain off Manila Bay during the 18th century. But I'd like to remain grateful for Spain for the heritage that the Philippines has got now, nevertheless.

Yet, reading "Disgrace," makes me to continue thinking about my position. It's not always a comforting thought to be part of a colonized country. Colonizers are basically driven by greed of all forms, and certainly, they're known to be cruel, no matter how you look at it. "Colonizing" has a debasing nature clinging to it. "Disgrace" has that after effect on me, that it has got me thinking about the Philippines, given its experiences of being a colony of Spain, and later on by the USA. But I'd rather focus on the collective gains, rather than the terrible sufferings, which are all recorded anyway, in historical books.

I'm surprised that J.M. Coetzee's "Disgrace" is rather light to read. He's got that compelling writing style that appeals to my tastes of books I'd like to read. The top characters exhibit such levels of passion, raw eroticism. And this is the first book I read about "animal rights" being shoved into my face, so to say, with me getting to appreciate such rights, and getting myself into pondering about my own existence. And I soon got to know that Coetzee's been awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. How excellent that could be!

View all my reviews.

Clouds!

BOTH SIDES NOW (Joni Mitchell)
Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons evrywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on evryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really dont know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As evry fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, dont let them know
Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living evry day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all

 

One Monday noon, after a lunch out, I found time to lie on the lawn of Carl Schurz park, where they have separate dog running facilities for small and big dogs.  Vincent, a friend who sends his life descriptions to over 2000 people in his directory, graciously found time to lead me to this park, that's close to the Gracie Mansion, the official residence of NYC mayor, somewhere in the Upper East Side, that faces the East River, and Roosevelt Island.  The clouds above us provided a much comforting sense of state of where we are that time, as I focused my gaze on the blueness of the sky.  The following relaxing period allowed me to ponder and say thoughts aloud, sharing my long term goals, among all other dreams, plus snippets of my past in the ensuing moments.  

I must have counted at least 15 big jet planes flying and passing over us, at  very higher altitudes, as they're reduced to small toy-like figures, and perhaps preparing  to land in one of the 3 airports nearby. The sun's glare threatened to mess up the comforting exercise we've been doing; the nearby tree's foliage shaded us from some distracting angles. We took turns in taking photo shots (1 cloud shot of his is here); I felt so grateful, and had a vision of the eternal.  

These are really simple pleasures.  I must have done this when I was a little child. I remember something vivid from my childhood years.  Something about being at play, and being very free and gleefully happy. I've figured out now why some will go out of their way to lie on park lawns, with clothes off, doing activities including sunning sunning.  I remember a new female acquaintance who just arrived from somewhere, getting surprised at seeing people practically naked while lying on green lawns in parks like Central Park. I remember the quiet exhilarating moments while lying on my back, with my clothes on, and I had a close awareness of the passing time, as I heave my sighs, becoming more aware of my breathing, my nostrils taking in air, my lungs expanding to process the vital elements, myself exhaling again, all the while getting fulfilled with the sight of the hovering clouds above.

first attempt

in this cyber cafe now at 22:44 Sunday prior to my decision to sleep to prepare myself for a full week of work tomorrow, i'm working on this blog. i'm doing this amidst the collective, deadening, gleeful noise of hi-strung youthful looking players who use most of the PCs in this cafe. it's as if they want to show everyone else to the door out of this cafe. well, they will need to wait until i'm done with this, or until i'm dead sleepy. apparently, they're among our youthful looking people who prefer to spend nights playing online PC games, fresh from their work in one of those 24/7 business process outsourcing companies here, rather than go straigth home, take good rest, dream details about tomorrow, or worse, do drugs. all this info, i've collected without actively listening, and being focused on this first attempt to do blogging. I also have been viewing other adult-oriented sites through other windows on this PC.

i look forward to meeting and getting to know some other bloggers out there who may get interested exchanging notes with someone from the Philippines, specifically Makati City (known as the prime business center in this country). this country becomes more interesting if taken in the context of sustained failures of its elite leaders to progressively lead this country into full development, given high rates of poverty. All this in an environment full of excitement, fiesta-like atmosphere, youthfulness spread all over.

for this blogging endeavor, i plan to share some write-ups which I've kept in my bookshelves to targetted readers of new literature. I'm pretty excited to gain initial feedback from these interested readers. i'm talking about my desire to re-visit my past when i used to do cruising amidst the century old walls of Intramuros (the Hispanic Manila, actually). some days i get to be haunted by this past, yet gradually i've learned to make great use of these experiences in gaining confidence, and knowing myself better. why not just get in touch with my kind? well, i've nothing much to gain, except if i deal with others not of my kind. i need fresh feedback, and honest, great inputs.