Disgrace

Disgrace by J.M. Coetzee

My review

This is one of those books I got to read while in transit via the subway to & fro my destinations to my other gigs. I've kept this book for over a year now, and thought, and have confirmed that it's actually very readable (I read it in less than 3 days), even with a lot of distractions while on the subway.

I won't detail down the story, as it's obviously giving away its very structure. But reading this book comes with it different levels of experience. It's got a well delineated story to begin with, interesting characters, and a context that makes one think about the conflicting attitudes of people who have undergone the terrible processes of "colonization" as against that of someone coming from a country that "colonizes," and continuing into the views of those who have "colonized," with whom I tend to share my feelings of empathy as the original country where I come from is the Philippines (the farthest country, being in SouthEast Asia, that used to be part of the great colonized-countries of the empire of Spain). I can just imagine how development directions of the Philippines would have been far progressive if it was not given up by the British when it momentarily took possession as a prize of the Philippines after winning a naval war against Spain off Manila Bay during the 18th century. But I'd like to remain grateful for Spain for the heritage that the Philippines has got now, nevertheless.

Yet, reading "Disgrace," makes me to continue thinking about my position. It's not always a comforting thought to be part of a colonized country. Colonizers are basically driven by greed of all forms, and certainly, they're known to be cruel, no matter how you look at it. "Colonizing" has a debasing nature clinging to it. "Disgrace" has that after effect on me, that it has got me thinking about the Philippines, given its experiences of being a colony of Spain, and later on by the USA. But I'd rather focus on the collective gains, rather than the terrible sufferings, which are all recorded anyway, in historical books.

I'm surprised that J.M. Coetzee's "Disgrace" is rather light to read. He's got that compelling writing style that appeals to my tastes of books I'd like to read. The top characters exhibit such levels of passion, raw eroticism. And this is the first book I read about "animal rights" being shoved into my face, so to say, with me getting to appreciate such rights, and getting myself into pondering about my own existence. And I soon got to know that Coetzee's been awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. How excellent that could be!

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Attending a Prayer Gathering On My Father's 3rd Death Anniversary

What else can I say on my Father's 3rd Death Anniversary last November 2nd, I got myself joined the following:
1) attend the Mass, as it was also a Sunday;
2) attend a prayer gathering where my friend invited me to pray and participate with other Filipino prayer devotees;
3) get to join an intimate food gathering after the prayers where we got to taste the best of Filipino home-cooked food set buffet-style at the hosts' dining table, plus
4) get myself enamored by the beautiful set-up, including floral arrangements by one of NYC's best floral designers (under Preston Bailey's event designers:(more about him?)), my friend Oscar, & the wonderful looking religious icons where we gathered around during the prayers, plus plus
5) a surprised birthday celebrant from one of those of my friends' Philip/Oscar/Lilet's inner circle in their apartment situated in Stuyvesant Town in Manhattan.

Of course, this may sound so religious, yet I'm delighted to have been part of these activities. Just take it as it is. I'd just like to describe how I got myself loaded with something of the beautiful and memorable that took place on my Father's 3rd Death anniversary.

Call it "icon worship" if you feel like doing so, yet there's something very appealing at how the images look like when bedecked with awesome floral arrangements. The image of the Virgin of Fatima (more about the Virgin of Fatima?) is a faithful replica of the very image found in Portugal. Note, as well, the lighted candles which were burning in memory of those souls who have departed, still very much beloved.

The prayer gathering takes place as part of the weekly tour of 3 religious icons (representing the Crucified Christ, The Baby Jesus, [or Sto. Nino, (curious about the best known statue in Cebu, Philippines?)] the Blessed Virgin Mary) as a group that visits households mostly by Filipinos (as far as I'm aware) in NYC. The leaders must be doing this 52 times all year through, perhaps with some breaks, and which practices I noticed must have started somewhere in Mandaluyong in Metro Manila(more about this region?), the 12-million heavily populated capital region of the Philippines. The prayers, lasting nearly an hour as guided by prayer books, cover praises, lamentations, special requests, and those topics that include asking for blessings for both the Philippines and the United States. I've felt that my prayers are many times better heard whenever I get to join these prayer gatherings, every chance I got. I presume that Hispanics and other people following Catholic traditions also have their own versions, but may be attended mainly by those who belong to the same race or native background. Amen.

To Account for my Personal Learning Experiences on Gambling in Reno, Nevada!

I'm glad to have been back from my brief sojourn in Reno, Nevada,(more about Reno) to which city I'll be back every now and then, as my finances will allow this. This city is considered to be secondary to Las Vegas as the "world's gambling capital" (which can also be claimed by some other cities anywhere in the world). I've been glad to have been given more opportunities to enjoy all the other offerings that Reno has during my stay there. The results of which can be seen on the short videos I made from the pictures I took while enjoying my walks along the Truckee River, being able to be around Reno's Hot Air Balloon celebrations in the University of Nevada-Reno (UNR), being able to attend Presidential candidate Sen. Obama's speech and shake his hand (also at UNR), and being around during one of those "Street Vibrations" crazy nights where you'd see over a thousand motorcycles moving around the city, among other diversions (as Reno is far, far different from Las Vegas).

Of course, I got myself engrossed in doing some gambling. Being in Reno, apparently, exposes one, including myself to the delights and sorrows of gambling. This visit, actually is my 3rd time around being in the city. I've been previously to Las Vegas, one time, but Reno is different, in that it's got more small-town appeal, and I see a lot of regular people who look different from the place where I've lived most times here in the US (in a much, much bigger and international city, NYC).

The point of this write-up is to relate the value of the lessons I've collected from my gambling experiences, which I inadvertently gained, among others during this visit in Reno, Nevada. The circumstances of the interesting times when I was recently in Reno were that the Wall Street momentous downfall was taking place, one shock after another, while I was staying in Reno. Such mind-boggling contrasts have come into mind, as I realize I've done gambling, which to some really large extent is the kind of "gambling" done by those businessmen and investors engaged in the so-called "toxic derivatives and swaps" that have tried to bet, to wager on the monetized securities (whether they'd go up and down, and will subsequently bring in winnings and loses) backed-up by money lent by banks in the form of sub-prime housing mortgages to unknowing and less sophisticated clients (most of which, thought, would make a killing if they buy their houses now and hopefully earn big when they sell when the real estate market is going good). These failures on the stock market affect the credit grip that paralyzes those in business. Now, that's a lot of business finance concepts to gulp at this time, which are designed to be exclusive and confusing to outsiders, and MBA graduates like myself have to diligently learn and explain in our own layman's terms when we graduate. Yet, this is also to some extent, very, very similar to the kind of gambling that happens in casinos, including those wonderful looking casinos I've visited and gambled in during my stay in Reno. Some just say that in business, we are "investing," whereas in gambling, we are "losing."

I've learned to become very fascinated and attracted to these slot-machines found in these casinos, that are designed to bring out the "gambling" character in anyone, or everyone who has been into casinos. Of course, not everyone gets fascinated by casinos, and all their fancy accoutrements. I've promised myself that I'd spend up to this much amount. But I've persisted, as I was actually winning, every time I get to visit the casino. I was thinking I'd be invulnerable to the forces out there (they'd be the "house" or the casino itself, or those well meaning people around me, who'd be advising me to "take it easy.") I've also seen that my friend who'd be with me when I go to the casinos in Reno, would also be winning. But the winning stopped, and I lost as much as I have won. I was instantly back to my very same status as I started my gambling. Take note, I've used up some amount of money on slot machines, some of which I tested my intuition on, to determine if they would play my direction (but they didn't, eventually). My friend was playing poker, which was looking to be interesting to me, such that I even ventured to start learning the game, and be able to gamble some other, given opportunities.

Some psychologists and other analysts have ventured out theories why people would gamble, lose, and still would persist on gambling. Have you seen the movie "Leaving Las Vegas"?(read about the movie)
I've some emotional affiliation with the movie, even before I've gone to gambling myself. My late Father was himself an inveterate gambler (he's love to bet on horses, jai alai, etc), and he drunk a lot himself, and he smoked a lot (that have caused him lung cancer, & may God always bless his soul!), and I feel an emotional connection with him, among other things, because of this "gambling" character trait he's got, to which I've always understood I've inherited (if there is such a thing, as I'm actually a huge risk taker myself on a lot of wide range of interests, to which some close friends who know me better, have always known but may have somehow refuse of acknowledge). I've learned a lot in the process. There are really no winnings, unless one takes a risk, plus the more sober idea that goes along this way: "the higher the risks, the bigger the earnings." I think I have better analysis and more lessons to offer about the character trait than most therapists out there, or those who'd like to venture their ideas, without themselves getting into gambling themselves.

My friend and I would exchange ideas about our respective gambling experiences. The gambling experiences in Reno are designed to actually entice ordinary folks and other enthusiasts to have fun while doing gambling (which may be true as well in other gambling places). It's supposed to be a healthy diversion, just to help you focus on winning, and not in losing. I know for a fact that the Philippine national hero, Jose Rizal (more about Rizal on this site!), even himself engaged in some form of small time gambling (I recall he loved to play some exotic card games that were not officially sanctioned by the Spanish authorities then, unlike what they did to "cockfighting"). There are actually professional gamblers out there. It's that inner desire to win, to make a killing, that would make you win, more than anything else. You're actually left on your own, as you are responsible for your own actions, decisions. But the great and loving God will as always help you, one way or another. Winning does indeed take place. Losing eventually happens. And one wins, one loses. And one does not stop from just being in a losing position, as one stands up from where he/she has lost, failed upon. I saw some signs actually inside the huge and wonderful looking Peppermill's (more about the hotel on this site!) ground floor casino that tells about a contact number (or could it be a name?) to call, in case you feel you'd becoming addicted to gambling. There's always help out there, apparently. But when really do we seek out help? I'm afraid I won't, until I don't see the "fear" leaving the eyes of those good-intentioned fellows, or the words being admonished towards my directions, when I talk about these gambling-related learnings and experiences. Fear apparently is a bad motivator, to some people.

I recall seeing a number of fellows who have badly lost that much amount of money as they live and work in Reno. I remember someone who was filing a bankruptcy petition, and who I was told used to own such big businesses less than a year ago, and who's now ready to go back to the state where he grew up. I saw him and his family pass by where I was seated while playing one of the slot machines in one big casino in the Grand Sierra (more about the hotel on this site!) , and I was sure they'd be hitting the games in the casino that night. And I remember one woman who's a licensed nurse, and could not get herself employed on a regular basis. I've learned she has been winning on the Keno games, and have lost badly as well, in risking her all in gambling. And I know somehow, why.

Clouds!

BOTH SIDES NOW (Joni Mitchell)
Rows and floes of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons evrywhere
Ive looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on evryone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way
Ive looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its cloud illusions I recall
I really dont know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As evry fairy tale comes real
Ive looked at love that way

But now its just another show
You leave em laughing when you go
And if you care, dont let them know
Dont give yourself away

Ive looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
Its loves illusions I recall
I really dont know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
Ive looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say Ive changed
Well somethings lost, but somethings gained
In living evry day

Ive looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all
Ive looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
Its lifes illusions I recall
I really dont know life at all

 

One Monday noon, after a lunch out, I found time to lie on the lawn of Carl Schurz park, where they have separate dog running facilities for small and big dogs.  Vincent, a friend who sends his life descriptions to over 2000 people in his directory, graciously found time to lead me to this park, that's close to the Gracie Mansion, the official residence of NYC mayor, somewhere in the Upper East Side, that faces the East River, and Roosevelt Island.  The clouds above us provided a much comforting sense of state of where we are that time, as I focused my gaze on the blueness of the sky.  The following relaxing period allowed me to ponder and say thoughts aloud, sharing my long term goals, among all other dreams, plus snippets of my past in the ensuing moments.  

I must have counted at least 15 big jet planes flying and passing over us, at  very higher altitudes, as they're reduced to small toy-like figures, and perhaps preparing  to land in one of the 3 airports nearby. The sun's glare threatened to mess up the comforting exercise we've been doing; the nearby tree's foliage shaded us from some distracting angles. We took turns in taking photo shots (1 cloud shot of his is here); I felt so grateful, and had a vision of the eternal.  

These are really simple pleasures.  I must have done this when I was a little child. I remember something vivid from my childhood years.  Something about being at play, and being very free and gleefully happy. I've figured out now why some will go out of their way to lie on park lawns, with clothes off, doing activities including sunning sunning.  I remember a new female acquaintance who just arrived from somewhere, getting surprised at seeing people practically naked while lying on green lawns in parks like Central Park. I remember the quiet exhilarating moments while lying on my back, with my clothes on, and I had a close awareness of the passing time, as I heave my sighs, becoming more aware of my breathing, my nostrils taking in air, my lungs expanding to process the vital elements, myself exhaling again, all the while getting fulfilled with the sight of the hovering clouds above.